La-La-La Ladies! Get Yourself a Man Who Squeaks

Straight la-la-laaaaaaadies! Are you having a hard time locking a good dude down? Do you find yourself constantly pursuing the wrong guys, having a fun fling, but going home alone, feeling ultimately unfulfilled? Are you always telling your girlfriends “I don’t know why I attract cheaters” as they silently nod in approval, knowing deep down that you keep picking losers, Cynthia, but they would never tell you—they don’t want you to feel bad? Boy, do I have some “news” for you!

The Guardian reports on the results of a study from Southwest University in China suggesting a relationship between vocal pitch and fidelity:“Men with deeper voices were found to be less committed to romantic relationships and more likely to cheat.” You know what that means, right? Stop looking for the James Earl Jones or Dennis Haysbert from the State Farm commercial in your life. It’s time to date squeaky, mousey men.

According to The Guardian, this can all be summed up by hormones, since “generally speaking, men with lower voices have more testosterone than men with squeakier voices. They add “women find men with deep voices sexy, because deep voices are associated with high testosterone, which suggests the men will produce healthy children.”

Obviously, this is gender essentialist nonsense–and that a correlation between deep voices and infidelity could be caused by anything—certainly not specifically this testosterone-cuck shit the study appears to be implying. (I’m am sure it’s only a matter of time before it proliferates on incel forums.) Still, it is a hilariously chaotic idea, a single study that has already been lifted into fact to make the rounds on tabloids.

Date whoever you want, or don’t, who cares!