Tuesday Showed Women Want Rights. Who Knew? (Satire)

The following is satire by Alexandra Petri in The Washington Post: 

Tuesday’s election results suggest that the Republican legislativestrategy of “taking people’s rights away for no clear reason” was not an overwhelming success at the ballot box. Potential Childbearing Vessels on Legs contumaciously insist on continuing to see themselves as fully realized people deserving of the protection of the law, and, unfortunately, they can still vote, and some of them even have friends who vote with them.

Given the options of “people have constitutionally protected rights over their own bodies and the course of their own lives” or “people can potentially see those rights whisked away at any time without warning,” Ohio voters overwhelmingly preferred the first thing. Given the option of creating a Republican majority in their state legislature that could permit their governor to sign a 15-week abortion ban into law, Virginia voters refused, apparently indifferent to the fact that the governor would be wearing a fleece vest and speaking in soft tones when he did so!

When confronted with questions such as “What should be in my library? Books, or just empty shelves and a scowling member of Moms for Liberty standing with folded arms and hissing whenever anyone dares approach?” people overwhelmingly selected the first thing. When they were given a choice between Deciding and Having Things Decided For Them, Deciding proved surprisingly popular.

These results were a setback for those who viewed letting people exercise rights over their own bodies as exhausting, pointless and sometimes icky. This trend also baffled many Republicans who had been running campaigns confidently asserting that they knew what was best for enormous swaths of the population, who would doubtless be relieved not to have to wake up each morning and keep pretending to be people who could make their own decisions.

It has been suggested that this is why voting is such a flawed method for determining what ought to happen, and some people are working so hard to do away with it. “Let Dave decide everything on everyone else’s behalf,” while popular with Dave, tends not to be popular with everyone else. And the thing is, as Justice Samuel Alito noted in his Dobbsdecision, “Women are not without electoral or political power.”

Tuesday’s election suggests that people being treated like people, rather than not, is still inexplicably popular. Who can say how long this fad will last? If through 2024, there might be more problems!