Fictional Hooper Bracket: Billy Hoyle is the king of the silver screen

When Billy Hoyle told Sidney Deane he’s hustled players a helluva lot better than him, I was skeptical. How many times can you show up to a pickup game and aww shucks your way into a wad of cash? Well after six rounds and thousands of votes, it seems the scheme is still humming along.

Not only did Billy beat Deane handily in the final showdown, he also topped Jim Halpert, Bugs Bunny, Shaq’s Neon Boudeaux, Ray Allen’s Jesus Shuttelsworth, and an older version of himself (Monix from Semi-Pro). Black, white, animated, doppelgänger, and animal — Billy Ho doesn’t discriminate when it comes to a mark. Incidentally, a mark is how a fellow Deadspin writer described all of you who opted for Woody Harrelson over “a scroll” of players more worthy of the title “Best Fictional Hooper.”

However, our opinions don’t matter because you readers and tweeters controlled the outcome of the polls. Billy is the people’s champ, and I’m sure this trophy will make him warm and fuzzy every time he looks at it — or at least until he loses it in a game of HORSE or hocks it to pay off another set of mob stereotypes.

If you’re wondering how we got here, you can check out all of the previous rounds at Deadspin. If you’re solely looking for the list of hoopers Billy personally prevented from going to Sizzler, you can relive his run through the tournament below. Feel free to play One Shining Moment (or the soundtrack to White Men Can’t Jump) in the background if you like.

Thanks again for all your votes and engagement. This really wouldn’t have worked if not for all of you who took the time to vote for your favorite characters while aimlessly checking Twitter. Again, thank you!

Monix is a vital character in Semi-Pro. Sure he was well past his prime on the court, but what he did have was a great mind for the game and was a natural team leader. He inspired the men at their lowest point after realizing they weren’t going to be an NBA team. And he might be the first coach in the history of sports to argue a ref out of a call, and physically picked a piss-stained Jackie Moon out of a dumpster. All the credit to Monix as a supporting actor, but that Woody Harrelson is going up against a much younger Woody Harrelson who is a lead actor in arguably the greatest basketball movie of all time, No. 1 overall seed Billy Hoyle. Billy Ho has it all. He’s got the shot, the court vision, a tremendous passer and one of the greatest pressure players in the history of sports movies — the guy made a ¾ court hook shot with his car and relationship on the line. Billy is also a one-man wrecking crew, dominating the first 26 minutes of this movie and that is with people on the court yelling out lines like, “Yo momma teeth so yellow she could butter a whole loaf of bread.” - Stephen Knox

Billy Hoyle and Jim Halpert are lovable smart asses who can’t seem to figure out their relationships. The best seasons of The Office were when we still didn’t know if Halpert and Pam Beasley would get together. Pam shutting down Jim’s advance during Casino Night was every bit as heart-wrenching as Hoyle’s inability to listen to Gloria. (Hoyle isn’t stupid, he’s dangerous… to himself.)

However, this isn’t a contest of love lives, it’s about basketball, and even though Jim eventually marries Pam, and Gloria leaves Billy, Billy is the better on-court player. Additionally, I’m 100 percent more fascinated with what happens with Gloria and Billy because you know that couple isn’t over. We’ve all been in — or at least witnessed — a relationship that isn’t healthy for either party, but they love each other too much to ever end it. Pam and Jim are so perfect and annoying by the end of The Office that people flipped on TV’s power duo.

As iconic and beloved as both of these properties are, Billy Ho isn’t falling for Jim’s behind the back crossover more than once, and he also consistently beat/didn’t struggle with guys bigger than Roy and Darryl. (Technically, Dunder Mifflin’s office-based workforce prevailed over the warehouse crew, but Michael got intimidated out of the spoils of victory. Same with Jim. He impressed Pam and was the best player on the court (Kevin Malone was not on the court), but Pam still went home with Roy — even twisting the knife with the, “Let’s get you in a hot bath” comment that Jim absolutely overheard.) - Sean Beckwith

Yeah, this was a bit unpredictable. Billy Ho, of course. was supposed to be a better No. 1 overall seed than Gonzaga, but Bugs? The majority of Mel Blanc’s Looney Tunes cartoons were released before the Civil Rights Act was passed. There was no Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon back then. These cartoons were shown at the movie theater before the feature presentation — I guess that’s better than 15-20 minutes of trailers. Bugs may be an American Icon, but this is still Billy Ho. Not only did the man get his girlfriend on Jeopardy by betting his car on a ¾ court hook shot, but got her back by composing a song about an argument they had weeks prior. And Sidney said this man couldn’t hear Jimmy. When it comes to gamesmanship, of course Billy holds no candle to Bugs. Billy trusted Sidney financially without even thinking that the guy may want revenge for being hustled and embarrassed in front of his friends, by some stranger who lacks melanin, after the Rodney King beating. Bugs regularly got Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam to believe he was not indeed a rabbit, during Rabbit Season, while munching on a carrot. Bugs could certainly pull Billy’s hat down over his eyes a couple times, but an athletic matchup against Billy Ho? Then again, he’s already pulled two upsets. Maybe he’s got some Florida Gulf Coast in him. - Stephen Knox

Billy Hoyle made rabbit tureen out of Bugs, and Space Jam has no more representation in the tournament. (As previously noted, Michael Jordan and LeBron James were ineligible because they were playing themselves, and we desperately wanted to avoid sports’ most tiresome debate.)

Neon once again overshadowed Butch McRae, and all of you who forgot/don’t know how great of a player pre-injury Penny Hardaway was should spend some time on YouTube watching old Orlando Magic highlights instead of the Obi-Wan Kenobi trailer for the 50th time.

As far as the matchup goes, Billy’s jumper and handle will have to be on point to counteract Neon’s size and strength. Both players have an overload of charisma, and Hoyle’s trash-talking versus Neon’s gravitational pull will be intriguing. Shaq didn’t really have a lot of lines in Blue Chips, and perhaps that was for the best because when he’s asked to carry a film, like he carried the late ’90s/early 2000s Lakers, we end up with Kazaam or Steel. (Also, I’m always up for letting Nick Nolte cook, and boy is he searing steaks with some gasoline in Blue Chips.)

However, if this comes down to a shooting contest with Neon standing at the top of the 3-point line needing to hit a jumper not to lose, you can bet your ass Billy is going to let him know he’s hustled players a helluva lot better than Boudeaux. Don’t worry, though, Neon, your fallback plan — the NBA — is preferable to whatever happens in the hopefully never made White Men Can’t Jump 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold. - Sean Beckwith

Finally Billy Ho gets tested. It’s not Raymond coming around that corner after the failed liquor store robbery, or the Duane Martin basketball character who wasn’t recruited by John Thompson. Billy Ho is about to see what it’s like to play against a true phenom in Jesus Shuttlesworth. He wouldn’t have been allowed on the Venice courts with Billy and Sidney Deane, because within two seconds of looking at Shuttlesworth they would have known that the only way to defeat him would require a trip to Raymond’s car. How many 6-foot-5 people do you know who walk this earth as smoothly as Shuttlesworth? He moves through life like a hooper who couldn’t turn it off if he tried, unlike his opponent who relies on not resembling a basketball player in any way.

Billy Ho had better amp up that trash-talk, if he’s going to have any chance against a player that might one day hit more 3-pointers than anyone in the history of the NBA. He’s gonna need even more verbal fury than he had for Martin at the 2-on-2 tournament to get through this. That’s all he’s got on Shuttlesworth. For the first time, this No. 1 overall seed has met an opponent equal in stature. Sure Boudeaux could fit Billy in his cereal bowl, but only one of those characters was a star, and the other was coached by Nick Nolte. - Stephen Knox

White Men Can’t Jump starts with Billy, it ends with Billy, it centers around Billy. We get to explore his redeeming qualities and his bad ones, and let’s be real, the redeeming qualities are few and far between. He has a terrible temper that cost him all of his money multiple times and damn near his life. Billy is also quite racist. Sidney absolutely should’ve taken his money after that unprovoked and repulsive “a Black man wants to look good first and win second,” comment. That’s the second time that he said that in the movie, and the first time it was accompanied by a, “how many dinners did this chain set your family back?” Not to mention how mean and controlling he can be with Gloria, even though she stays with his dumbass after repeatedly losing all of their money, and putting her life at risk, too.

But there is also the endearing side of Billy. The open-hearted buffoon that you want to root for. The guy who didn’t hesitate to put his car on the line to get Gloria on Jeopardy!, or the fact he actually called Sidney a good guy after clearly getting hustled for his life savings. That’s the Billy that you hope gets it right. The guy who you just shake your head, and say “Poor stupid bastard, I hope he gets it together.” The good, the bad, and the ugly, it’s all there with Billy, and he makes you feel it. The movie is his even if it’s Sidney who actually gets everything he wants. - Stephen Knox