To have, to have not

I have stomachache this morning. I have a meeting with the tax guy. He filed an extension and it is time to figure this all out. 

I have always had an uncomfortable relationship with money. Growing up pretty poor, my mom was always worrying about it. Then I had my very poor moments, when I worked 2 jobs to just survive. 

Then in my 30's I had a job that I could afford to relax a little but I never relax too much, because as a child with my past, chaos, alcoholism, turmoil ... you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Then the last ten years of my working life I was making remarkable money but even then I had to contend with David's constant overspending and was even more nervous then in my poverty-stricken days before I had no control. I  worked and worried about paying bills. David never thought much of paying bills so I was always holding on to every penny. I worked, worked and freelanced and never felt safe. 

Now I have sufficient money to survive if I am very careful, so why can't I just relax? So meeting with the tax buy is making me very nervous this morning. When is life ever just stress-free?  

The flies are all but gone, but that took longer than I liked. Still have not found a source. They have about to drive my around the bend. 

I am watering too much. Because the tree is gone, the grapes that protected them are gone, honeysuckle fighting to come back ... the hydrangea are taking a heat-hit with this incredibly hot weather. Thankfully, this morning is cool. I guess if the weather keeps warming up I will have to rethink having hydrangeas.

I am still trying to figure out some  affordable solution to replace the privacy consideration that I had from the tree. 

 VS. today

Andrea Myers is a multidisciplinary artist focusing on textiles, paper, installation and the space between two and three dimensionality through abstraction, patterning and saturated color. Instragram.