Situationships are the new “relationship” in today’s dating world. It’s that nice, annoying gray area between a casual hookup and a relationship. A situationship is more than sex but less serious than a commitment, and while it can work for some people, it can also get pretty confusing pretty fast—especially when feelings are involved.
“In a situationship, the communication, expectations, and structures are unclear—you haven’t yet discussed monogamy or commitment (or it was left vague), but also haven’t clarified that you’re only friends with benefits or a casual partner,” says sex and relationship expert, Lorrae Bradbury, founder of Slutty Girl Problems. “When the terms of your relationship are unclear, yet emotions and sex are involved, you’re usually in some kind of situationship.”
If this sounds familiar, that’s because situationships are more prevalent than ever. “[Situationships] are beneficial because they are less stressful and they are not as time-consuming. Let’s face it, a serious romantic relationship takes a lot of work,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist. “These relationships are common these days because there are people who do not want to put in the time and effort that goes into a serious relationship. They would rather have something more chill and sexual because they have other important obligations.”
He also adds that people who may have been hurt before in serious relationships in the past are more likely to want a relationship that is more of a relaxed “go with the flow” type of vibe. But a situationship could also work for those who are looking for a more casual connection without the pressure of any type of label or commitment.
How to tell if you are in a situationship
According to Bradbury, these are the most common signs of a situationship:
You haven’t defined your relationship, talked about commitment, or laid out a structure for boundaries and expectations
You feel confused about the relationship, wondering if they are seeing other people, if they like you more than a hookup, or if they have the intention to get more serious.
You may feel like the other person is stringing you along, saying words that feel empty or match their actions, or making promises they don’t follow through on.
The other person might not be making a meaningful effort to include you in their life, such as introducing you to their friends or family or keeping you updated on big life events.
The other person might not show an active interest in your life, have consideration for your emotions, or go beyond surface-level questions and into deeper connection.
There hasn’t been much discussion about the future, shared dreams and goals, values in life, or what you want in a relationship.
Adds Phillips on situationships: “You will keep hanging out after the first initial hook-up and you keep hooking up, but nothing is developing. You’re not invested in making plans, so they are more spontaneous. You may just feel confused about the relationship and where it is headed.”
What to do if you’re in a situationship
Most situationships start off innocently enough. After all, most dating connections are initially casual as both parties get to know each other. You might even enjoy your situationship, but as time goes on with little change, Phillips says it’s key to ask yourself if this is really what you want, especially if you start to develop feelings for the other person and they don’t want the same.
Other red flags according to Phillips? If you are feeling anxious daily about the situationship, and it starts causing you more stress than joy or if the other person is not showing up for you the way you may be showing up for them or want to be shown up for by a partner (i.e., offering support).
Bradbury agrees. “If a relationship style isn’t working for you, and you can’t come to a mutual expectation that supports you both, then it’s not worth continuing a dynamic that’s making you uncomfortable, unhappy, or leaving you feeling unclear,” she says. “Relationships are supposed to light us up with excitement and support, whether they’re deep or casual. If you’re not feeling lit up by a casual connection, is it really worth continuing?”
Before you continue with your situationship, or consider pursuing one, Bradbury says it’s important to take time to think about what you want in a relationship, and what you need to feel comfortable, respected, cared for, and supported. “Not every relationship style is right for everyone—and it’s OK if you don’t want something casual. It absolutely makes sense that you don’t want a relationship that’s emotionally confusing or causing you pain.”
Digging into questions like these might help you determine what you want out of your next relationship:
What do you want in a relationship?
What does your ideal relationship look like?
What are your boundaries and expectations?
How often do you want check-ins and date nights?
Do you want exclusivity?
How do you want to be treated?
“The clearer you are on your own relationship expectations, the more clearly you can communicate them to a partner and ensure that you’re getting what you need,” Bradbury explains. “If a situationship isn’t meeting your needs, you don’t have to fight to be heard or make it change—you can compassionately cut ties and move on, recognizing and honoring that it’s not the right relationship for you.”