The 2022 MTV Movie and TV Awards: All the Piping Hot Looks and No Piping Hot Tea

It’s the moment none of you have been waiting for: The 2022 MTV Movie and TV Awards! What was once home to the crème de la crème of Hollywood stars and an architect of some of the most memorable pop culture moments of the last two decades, MTV’s third most famous awards ceremony now seems like a bit of a pop culture toot.

Gone are the days of breaking news moments like pre-Chanel KStew and snarling vamp heartthrob Robert Pattinson receiving an award for their quivering onscreen kiss that was so awkward I could not watch it without my shoulders rising to my ears in pure physical discomfort. Today’s influencers could never present their implants like ‘Lil Kim did in 2001: beneath sequined flowers and wrapped in gold chains and red ribbons while onlookers dropped their jaws to the floor as if they’d broken free from twenty years of lockjaw. And we certainly won’t be holding our breath for a ScarJo and Sandra Bullock onstage make out like the one that happened in 2010.

Lucky for you, we also tend to cherish the lowest of lowbrow celebrity fêtes, including ones like tonight’s, where washed-up reality stars rub shoulders with the current bench of influencers and trash television golden children as their eyes glimmer with the temptation of their fifteen minutes of fame. Meanwhile, the big boy celebs won’t even bother with the red carpet, as their black SUVs drop them off backstage so they can accept their Golden Popcorn then go home and hide it behind their Emmys. I expect Jennifer Lopez, who is winning the Generation Award and performing tonight, to behave as such (she’s following in the footsteps of Scientologist Tom Cruise).

Anyways, Vanessa Hudgens is getting all of the hosting gigs this year which continues to confuse me greatly but heads up since it’s going to be several hours of her squeaky enthusiasm. On the award front, Hudgens and Andrew Garfield are in contention for the Best Musical Moment award for “Tick, Tick…BOOM!,” Garfield and past and future Spideymen Tobey Maguire and Tom Holland are up for some superhero shit, and Holland and She Who Can Do No Wrong, Zendaya, are up for Best Kiss. Jack Black will accept the Comedic Genius award, which, according to MTV, “honors an actor who has made incomparable contributions to the world of comedy, providing a major influence through their work and transforming the genre at large.” Nice!

As always, enjoy the feast of fashion fuck-ups and Hot Tamale ensembles. The red carpet might be the only interesting thing going on tonight.