This week, former Vice President Joe Biden publicly apologized in a video on Twitter, after allegations by several women accusing him of inappropriate physical contact.
“Social norms have begun to change and they’ve shifted,” he said, likely in reference to the #MeToo Movement. “The boundaries of protecting personal space have been reset and I get it.”
And yeah, it’s a shitty response. Blaming a cultural setting isn’t an apology, so much as an excuse. But what then becomes the right amount of personal space, between strangers, colleagues, or friends, if you want to respect their physical boundaries?
Well, an American anthropologist who’s spent years studying social space, Edward Hall, suggested that our personal boundaries have an actual, quantifiable size, via the New York Times
According to Hall, our “intimate space” reserved for close friends and family is around 18 inches, so just within arms’ reach. Our “personal space,” for acquaintances and work colleagues, starts at 18 inches and expands to roughly four feet. For total strangers, our “social space” expands from four feet to 12 feet.
And these make sense. You wouldn’t approach a total stranger in any situation and hover within their intimate space—that’s awkward and wildly uncomfortable. “Obviously, having an established relationship of trust alters the meaning of an appreciative hug or a pat on the shoulder in a more positive direction,” Laura Kray, a professor at U.C. Berkeley’s School of Business told the New York Times. “Arm around lower back or kiss on head are boundary violations, as a general rule.”
But of course, some boundaries comes with certain involuntary exceptions. If you’re on public transportation, you don’t always have the choice of standing a foot away from strangers, but engagement makes a difference. Talking to a stranger (or whispering into their ear..) within their intimate space is different from silently facing away from them typing away on your phone, so respect their boundaries if you’re choosing to engage.
If you’re ever unsure about entering into someone’s personal space, just ask. Don’t assume it’s comfortable simply because they’re choosing to remain in the space. Consent is necessary.
And what if you’re the one dealing with someone who won’t respect personal boundaries? Redditor u/all_i_say_is_a_lie (lol) has one helpful tip when it comes to communicating your feelings:
This is pretty simple. But it’s hard to do. The next time they start, tell them it makes you uncomfortable. Don’t turn it into a personal thing, just make a blanket statement... ‘Bill, I’m a big personal space kind of person.’ I’ve found this works and minimizes embarrassment.
And if it’s still not working, don’t be afraid to be firm and re-iterate your feelings in even more direct language. (“I’m uncomfortable with you in my space.”) Don’t feel guilty about it, either. You’re entitled to any degree of personal space that you need and we all need to feel comfortable when it comes to our interactions with others.
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