People‘s Sexiest Man Alive Is…an OK Chris

People magazine has unveiled its annual thing to get mad at/thing to make you feel totally justified in your taste in men: this year’s Sexiest Man Alive. The honor goes to none other than America’s Last Top Captain America, Chris Evans. He is not Jezebel’s historical pick for Top Chris (that would go to Pine, whose dissociation and not getting spit on at the Venice Film Festival this year apparently did him no favors in this very real and scientific contest), but he is definitely…a Chris. At least he’s not Pratt!

The decision was formally announced on Monday’s episode of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Colbert referred to Evans as an “incandescent supernova of hotness.” Spoken like a true straight guy. Evans accepted the honor in a sketch alongside Sexiest Man alum The Rock, who prompted Evans to “say something sexy.” Evans responded, “Go vote tomorrow.” That’s cute! But is it sexy? I guess in a so-not-trying-to-be-sexy sexy way, maybe?

In an extended video by People to accompany its article, Evans talks about his first crush, his affinity for being in Marvel movies, his love for his dog, and his love for love. Diet and workout haven’t been on his radar for years. He doesn’t like arguing or forms of manipulation. Being content is “the ultimate goal.” He’s happy to be at home. Woodworking is a hobby Evans wishes he had. Watching paint dry is a hobby I don’t have, it just feels like it sometimes.

He’s self-effacing in the video, which is actually kind of sexy. He says this Sexiest Man Alive title will elicit bullying from his friends. His immediate reaction to being bestowed the title is, “My mom will be so happy.” People followed up with his mom who confirmed: “I’m not surprised at all. Our family will be beside themselves.”

Here’s a fun (“fun”) quiz: Who was last year’s Sexiest Man Alive? I didn’t remember either. Shows how important this stuff is, I guess. Anyway, Chris Evans is a good sexy man like Saltines are good plain crackers. May he reign with intense staring off into space and impressive vascularity.

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