Which companies wasted their money on terrible Super Bowl ads?

I’ve known evangelicals have been peddling a specially scented form of bullshit most of my life. It’s galling enough that a tax-exempt society ruiner has the cash lying around to pay for a couple of ads (what actual good work they claim to do could that have gone toward?). It’s even tastier when one of them attempted to “both sides” just about every argument we’re having now.

Listen, Christians, one of Jesus’ main tenets was “heal the sick.” So no, Jesus probably wouldn’t have had a lot of time for the overgrown babies shitting themselves over having to wear a goddamn mask in public or having to partake in a lockdown, because that would… say it with me now: “heal the sick.” He would not love both sides of that.

And no, Jesus would probably not throw his arms around cops, because if Jesus were to show up today, everyone would find out that A) he’s not white and B) that would probably put him in danger around cops. White supremacy has been shrouded in religious piety for pretty much its entire existence, so there is no “he loves all of us.”

Jesus doesn’t “get” us, clearly, because his most devout followers don’t get us. They don’t “get” what women want or how they work or most likely even how to spell or say “vagina.” Jesus doesn’t “get” trans people, based on what is being done in his name. Jesus doesn’t “get” the LGBTQ+ community, according to those who continue to warp our laws and system to make their lives actively worse.

And Jesus certainly wouldn’t “get” spending some $15 million on ads during the Super Bowl when that money could have gone to any number of causes we can guess he would have believed in.

Jesus loves Rihanna.

No one could find B-Coop a fucking comb? “Oh, it’s so cute that he’s out there with his mom!” You’re supposed to look better than you just cleaned off the Cheetos and vomit off your shirt while waking up on the couch when going to meet your mom! I know Cooper’s whole thing is to be sort of a doofus who also happens to be unfathomably handsome, but dude, make any kind of effort. I can’t get away with that, nor should you. If I looked like that in from of my mom she would have disowned me. Or at least added it to the very long list of reasons she should.

Merely transcribing the most famous speech from a barely-OK movie is not exactly the work of Aoide channeled through the fingers of some overworked copywriter who currently owes NYU several hundred thousand dollars. And Serena played an individual sport! She’s not the rousing team-talk person. Serena symbolizes individual strength and determination and a whole lot of, “I don’t need you and I don’t give a fuck what you think!”

Also, anyone who gets that charged up to drink liquor is certainly going to end up on the ass end of a drunk tank or a broken chair over his head or both. You’re not “taking the field” when you’re going out drinking. And if you are, you’re bad at drinking. Take that shit back to Sigma Alpha Douchebag, Tyler.

Whether it was Ben Stiller or Steve Martin, Pepsi took the easy way out. Any ad person worth a shit (and they’re hard to find, believe me), will tell you that advertising about advertising is one of the laziest tropes anyone can resort to. So having Stiller and Martin simply talking about what it means to be in an ad is essentially farting into the couch and calling it a symphony (though depends on the couch, I guess). They forked however much over for the time and then for the stars to basically try and go post-modern and comment on the medium, with all the effort of an anesthetized Great Dane.

It’s certainly a look for a beer (if we can even call Michelob Ultra that) to put Alex Morgan in an ad when she was once booted from Disney World for being too drunk. Then again, you can’t possibly get that loaded on Ultra, because it’s a less tasty Smart Water. Also good to see that Tony Romo put as much research into his Bill Murray/Caddyshack spoof as he does into his broadcasts on Sundays.

Here’s a good one: What’s the difference between Bono and Jesus?

Jesus doesn’t have a Bono complex.

Is good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum.

The first few images that Google wanted to use to display their new erase capability on their phones were a hilarious baby, a cute dog, and an elderly person. Who the fuck wants to erase those from their photos? Psychopaths, that’s who! You think Google is done erasing history with just that? You just watch, Guyana. They’re coming for more than our puppies.

So you’ve shelled out to get Jon Hamm and Brie Larson into your ad, and the best you can come up with is jokes about how their names are also food?

Tell me, Ryker and Skye, how long did you spend on that? How did you get to the size of an ad agency that gets a Super Bowl ad with this kind of inspiration? Don’t you see this is why America is headed into the shitter at a breakneck pace?

Because whoever wrote this, whoever produced it, whoever ok’d it, are at the top of their industry. And they didn’t get there because they’re so talented, clearly. They got there simply by being so plain and mediocre that no one noticed. They just float to the top while anyone who actually tries shit falls by the wayside. They stick around long enough because they’re unnoticed that everyone just assumes they must be doing good work when they’re just scenery. Produce enough that doesn’t move the needle either way and this is where you can end up. This is how things like “80 For Brady” get made.

We left Zach Braff behind as a culture. Same for John Travolta. And we were happier that way.