OK, Sorry, Ross and Rachel Are NOT Dating

Yesterday, the world took a break from freaking out about the twin scourges of irreparable climate change and Papa Mozzarella, former governor of New York’s scumbaggery to revel in the brief news that David Schwimmer and Jennifer Aniston are maybe-dating in real life, just like their characters did on Friends, a TV show about some pals living in the Big Apple. Life comes at you fast, as they sometimes say, because it seems like the rumors about Ross and Rachel are false!

One of Schwimmer’s reps reached out to the publication that initially ran with these rumors, saying that there is “no truth” to the gossip. This entire goss cycle started after the reunion show aired on HBO Max earlier this summer, because both Schwimmer and Aniston admitted to having crushes on each other when they were working on the show, but never actually acting on those crushes because they were in relationships with other people. Instead, they channeled their horny energy into their characters, imbuing their tumultuous love story as Rss and Rachel with a frisson of amour fou that we all thought was acting, but was really just unresolved sexy time feelings.

And now, Friends is over. Jennifer Aniston is single. Everyone’s wearing butterfly clips and vintage finds from 1996. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are doing their whole shit again. Why not resurrect yet another relic from the recent past to see if it sticks? I suppose it’d be nice if it did, but unfortunately, it did not. So no, they are not dating. This is not a break. It’s the end of something that never started. Hope that clears it up. [Page Six]

• Pardon me, Mrs. Breaking Bad and Kyle Richards are starring in a Peacock original holiday movie called The Real Housewives of the North Pole. I didn’t know where else to put this information. Thanks for understanding. [People]
• Every detail I hear about Lord Disick’s love for his not-quite-a-child-but-still-very-young girlfriend, Amelia Grey Hamlin, makes me want to scream. [Us Weekly]
• Happy birthday to Chris Hemsworth, one of the officially recognized Famous (White) Chrises. [Just Jared]
• Oh good, Chrissy Teigen is talking again… [Page Six]
• Help me, Renee Zellweger and Ant Anstead are reportedly “getting serious.” [People]
• Finally, though these photos are a few days old, please enjoy Sandra Lee, formerly Papa Mozzarella’s lover, living it up on the French Riviera with her new mans. [Page Six]