What do crystal bracelets inspired by Michelle Obama, a John Wayne commemorative beer stein, a viagra substitute, a Life Alert alarm, and mustache hair remover – for women – have in common?
They're all ads in this week's 'National Enquirer,' whose demographic appears to be aging frail bearded Democratic women and alcoholic men with erectile dysfunction.
That might begin to explain the tabloid's dubious connection to reality, and why Donald Trump is reportedly "very close" to 'Enquirer' chief executive David Pecker, even writing several pieces for the rag during his presidential campaign: they share an equally tenuous relationship with the truth.
Angelina Jolie's divorce from Brad Pitt dominates this week's tabloids, but only the 'Enquirer' boasts "world exclusive first photos" of Brad entering a hotel just weeks ago with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston, exposing their "secret rendezvous." But look hard at the "world exclusive" photo – single, not plural as the 'Enquirer' promises – and you'll see in tiny print the words: "Photo Recreation." In other words, the Enquirer has a world exclusive photo of two lookalikes shown from the rear entering a hotel, and no photos of Pitt and Aniston together anywhere. Because it probably never happened.
Trump's pal Pecker is also CEO of the 'Globe' tabloid, which this week carries ads for a 'Granddaughter, I Love You' "heirloom" music box (though it won't become an heirloom until you pass it down to your beloved granddaughter), Count Cat-ula figurine (a vampire cat, of course), and portable oxygen tank "that will never weigh you down." The 'Globe' shares the same scant relationship with the truth as the 'Enquirer.' Its cover revisits the 20-year-old murder of infant pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey, in headlines screaming: "JonBenet Dad's Confession to Cops!" Did John Ramsey really confess to killing his daughter? And why isn't he behind bars? Because what he "confessed" to is having wondered if his home had adequate security, and doing nothing about it. In other words, the sort of self-recrimination that any parent feels, wondering if there was something more they could have done to protect a child. It's not the murder confession that the cover seems to promise.
Actress Meg Ryan is reportedly "wasting away" according to the 'Globe,' simply because she appears slender in recent photos, while the 'Globe' team of highly trained medical correspondents conclude that actress Nicole Kidman is "pregnant at 49" based on a photo that appears to show her "baby bump." Psychic reporting at its best.
'People' and 'Us' magazines predictably immerse their issues in Brad and Angelina's split, though while 'People' focuses on "why she left" – reportedly clashing personalities and months of unhappiness – 'Us' exposes "her plot to destroy Brad," alleging that Jolie is behind reports that Pitt was boozing, abusing their children, and generally behaving badly. Behind the scenes, this means that 'Us' magazine is aligning itself with Pitt and actively pursuing his exclusive story at some future date, while 'People' magazine is pursuing her exclusive tale, which will inevitably come with a huge price tag attached.
Fortunately we have 'Us' magazine's crack team of investigative reporters to tell us that Nina Agdal (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, actress Juliette Lewis carries digestive enzymes and vitamins in her Christian Siriano satchel, and the stars are just like us: they ride bikes, play tennis, and take vacation snaps.
Not that this week's tabloids are all frivolity and eviscerating the private lives of the stars. The 'National Examiner' delves deep into international geopolitics with its exclusive story revealing that Islamic State's ISIS is "under attack from UFOs!" They report a "mysterious object hovering above territory held by the Islamic State – followed by an enormous blast." As the 'Examiner' explains: ". . . the terrorists now have an off-world foe!" The magazine found "UFO analysts" who believe the incident in southern Turkey was "either a warning blast or a direct intervention against the terrorist regime."
It's good to see some real news coverage amid all the celebrity nonsense. It makes me want to buy the good-luck elephant figurine advertised in the 'Enquirer,' which "sparkles with 30 faux gems." Just like this week's tabloids, which sparkle with nothing but faux gems.
Onwards and downwards . . .
