William and Kate Had Their First Official Portrait Painted, and It’s Something!

Colonialism, but put a baroque gold frame on it!

Kate Middleton and Prince William, otherwise known as the Duchess and Duke of Cambridge (and to Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, the evil step-sibs from Cinderella) are out here behaving as their most opulent selves, getting their asses painted by British lords or something to forever haunt the hallways of the Kensington Palace.

The dude who painted the couple’s first official royal portrait was Jamie Coreth, award-winning British portrait artist (a job I did not know still existed alongside Instagram.) He must have at least a speck of royal blood to be allowed in the same room with the musty monarchy, otherwise they’d likely faint at the first sniff of a commoner.

“It has been the most extraordinary privilege of my life to be chosen to paint this picture,” Coreth said. “I wanted to show Their Royal Highnesses in a manner where they appeared both relaxed and approachable, as well as elegant and dignified.” So…he wanted to paint them with sticks up their ass. Mission accomplished, they look totally dignified, not at all approachable, and about as stuffy as Kate’s about-to-croak (but beloved!) grandmummy-in-law. (Honestly, though, this painter is pretty good.)

Kate and William were present for the painted portrait’s unveiling in Cambridgeshire—the same place where they long ago received the titles of Duke and Duchess of Cambridge from Queenie on their wedding day in 2011. You think these two would really miss an opportunity for a publicity stunt? Please. Of course they were on hand to stare at markedly more attractive renditions of themselves and take turns bowing back and forth saying, “Your highness,” “No, YOUR highness!!!”

The artist also noted that he wanted the image to evoke a “feeling of balance between their public and private lives.” Right, because wearing emerald gowns and stilettos is precisely what Kate does in private while she primps her hair, coos at her darlings, and thinks, Mummy’s going to be the next great dictator.

[People]

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