Liv Tyler's 25-Step Beauty Routine Will Make You Feel Exceedingly Poor and Dehydrated

Liv Tyler, a woman I mostly know as a very beautiful elf in Lord of the Rings and the daughter of the guy who sang that “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” song, shared her 25-step beauty routine with Vogue and us plebes. She very politely set the tone with a modest scrunchie made of Hermès silk.

“This scrunchie is, like, the chicest scrunchie in the world because it came from my friend’s store in England and it’s made from an old Hermès piece of fabric, so it’s kind of special,” said Tyler. “But any scrunchie will do.”

And with that Ina Garten “store-bought is fine” energy, Tyler marched on.

Tyler then begins double cleansing, starting off with Sarah Chapman Skinesis Ultimate Cleanse ($75 for three ounces from Net-a-Porter) and Chidoriya Hydrating Facial Soap before proceeding to a Astara Blue Flame Purification Mask that makes her look like Smurfette.

After talking about how much she loves green juice (“Your body loves green things, so drink green juice”) and her dad (“My dad is so into skin care; when I go visit him, I usually spend half the time in the bathroom with him, just going over products”), she moves on to some more aspirational skin products with eye-watering price tags. For example, a $160, 1.7 ounce Dr. Barbara Sturm Deep Hydrating Mask and a $300, one-ounce bottle of Dr. Barbara Sturm Hyaluronic Serum.”

“It’s so good to massage your skin, like, really massage it,” said Tyler.

There’s also the CBD oil.

“I know everybody’s talking about CBD oil,” Tyler said, displaying a bottle of Lord Jones Royal Oil, a $100 CBD oil that Tyler insists does not make you feel stoned. “I definitely suffer from anxiety. I get really nervous. I guess my job’s kinda scary and it’s hard not to be nervous sometimes… public speaking and doing anything that’s out of your comfort zone.”

She then proceeded to drop a dollop of oil under her tongue.

Tyler espoused the virtues of putting hyaluronic acid on your hands—noting that they’re “the very first thing that look a bit old and dry and weird”—before procuring a contraption that will make your jade face roller look exceedingly normal. The Sarah Chapman Skinesis Facialift looks like a toilet scrubber for your face, but it is apparently responsible for Tyler’s tight ass skin. Luckily, the toilet scrubber is only $38.

Tyler, ever the advocate of oils, incorporated them in her routine yet again when she applied Rodin Olio Lusso Luxury Face Oil ($170) before moving on to makeup.

“It’s so good to massage your skin, like, really massage it,” said Tyler. “Don’t be afraid to get in there behind your ears and all over your neck. That’s something my dad really taught me.”

Okay!

And then, Tyler said something that is sure to trigger debate.

“I know everyone says not to rub your eyes hard but that’s actually not true,” said Tyler. “You want to move your skin. You want everything to stay alive, and invigorated, and full of… blood.”

Since Tyler is not of the cake face constituency, her makeup routine was pretty simple: Givenchy’s Prisme Visage Perfecting Face Powder, Mac Powder blush, Clinique High Impact Waterproof Mascara, and the ubiquitous Beauty Blender. But what’s a modern CBD oil and green juice guzzling woman without a few Glossier products? Tyler used Glossier’s Haloscope Highlighter, Generation G, and Boy Brow. Surprisingly, not a single Goop product was used.

Page Six totaled Tyler’s daily beauty routine to $1,715.49. There’s plenty to clown, of course, but Tyler’s skin also looks like it is blessed with literal angel’s spit every day, so who’s really winning? Capitalism, Liv Tyler, and me as soon as I cop that Facialift thingie.