Ten years ago, I am sorry to report, the Oscars red carpet was beautiful...and boring. Individuality was expressed primarily by the arrangement of straps of one's sweetheart neckline gown. Jewelry was tasteful, hair was elegant. Hopefully, we have a tackier 2017 to look forward to.

Nicole Kidman

Before we get to the champagne parade that was the 2007 red carpet, here is Nicole Kidman. If I have learned anything about Kidman, it is that this woman gets her life on the Oscars red carpet. She probably wears Lacroix gowns in her spare time, sitting in a darkened room, periodically commanding her impeccably well-trained Australian Shepherd to pass her clutch so she can touch up her lipstick.

Kate Winslet

Here is Kate Winslet in our first pastel of the evening (certainly not our last!). She is wearing a gown the same color as my favorite Crayola marker: Sea Foam. She looks nice.

Cameron Diaz

You might not immediately recognize America's sweetheart/Natalie Cook from Charlie's Angel's without her signature blonde hair. But that is, in fact, Cameron Diaz, wearing a gown about which I can't think of anything to say so I will not say anything at all!!

Rachel Weisz

Metallic sweetheart neckline gown.

Penelope Cruz

Long train embellished rose gown.

Jennifer Lopez

Grecian-inspired pink hued satin please can I stop.

Cate Blanchett

GOWN.

Beyoncé

Even Beyoncé could not resist the powerful 2007 gown lobby.

Kirsten Dunst

Oh, I really like this one.

Reese Witherspoon

Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Celine Dion

You can't cover style at the Oscars and resent the Platonic ideal of a sparkly gown. It's just not good for you.

Naomi Watts

So in that spirit, here is Naomi Watts ten years ahead of the cold shoulder trend! She looks nice! I wonder where this dress is now.

Isla Fischer & Sacha Baron Cohen

Isla Fisher wore a gown.

Jennifer Hudson

I would like to imagine Jennifer Hudson rolled up and was like "Oh shit, I look like everybody else, grab me a jacket." And her assistant said, "All we have is this one," and Hudson was like "Give it to me." That is the only explanation for this metallic bolero I am prepared to accept.

Faye Dunaway

Props to Dunaway for turning it out.

Jessica Biel

Hell is a red carpet.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Credit where due: Gwyneth looks amazing.

Beyoncé even deigned to speak to Gwyneth that night.

Queen Latifah

And to end on an especially positive note: QUEEN LATIFAH LOOKED AMAZING. Thank you and good night.