Fictional Hooper Bracket: Rucker Region

There’s no contest on the court between these two. I mean Uncle Drew regularly goes out to basketball courts and embarrasses people half his age. So much so that a Pepsi commercial turned into this emotional movie about old friends getting together and old sins being forgiven. It’s all heartwarming, and very silly at the same time with Nick Kroll tormenting Lil Rel throughout the movie. That Pepsi campaign that featured Kyrie Irving barbecuing his competition on playground courts while dressed like an old man became a full-length film that more than doubled its money. That’s Uncle Drew, ready to take you AAU-raised, pampered youngsters to the hole in a non-air conditioned environment. Cream E. Biggums is not that. He’s just a loveable guy at an LA Fitness court in Chicago that dribbles too high and his shorts are even higher. An old school baller himself, but he probably couldn’t cross over a Pomeranian. I mean look at this 3-point shooting display. The man is awful, but he does it in such a charming and pleasant way. I mean, would you have the heart to keep Biggums off the court if he showed up and tried to get next on a court you’re playing on? Of course not. You’d let his middle-aged ass out there and try to encourage him to set as many screens as possible. Then maybe, you find a way that he can get an easy layup off of a back cut to keep him engaged in the game. - Stephen Knox

Johnny Kilroy’s 79 points in one quarter was the ultimate flash-in-a-pan because he was never seen or heard from again. Just Wright unfortunately missed McKnight’s glory years. Instead, McKnight tore a ligament in his knee during an All-Star Game before anyone started playing real defense. McKnight was washed and much of his action in Just Wright was limited to his rehab and comeback. Kilroy was the most prominent of the MJ-lookalike alter egos. Meanwhile, Common’s McKnight was so banged up, he probably couldn’t have beat Queen Latifah to the cup on a baseline drive. Johnny Kilroy advances. - DJ Dunson

The showdown between the two most slept-on amateur animation underdogs might be the closest matchup yet. They may look intimidating, but they’re silent killers. Tetsuya Kuroko began Kuroko’s Basketball as the sixth man of what’s known as the “Generation of Miracles.” The Miracles are composed of five players, who are considered an unequaled talent in Japanese high school basketball. Kuroko is the hidden ensemble member. He’s a position-less player, with a unique skillset that essentially renders him invisible on the floor. Imagine a quicker Ben Rondo, but who is constantly delivering an inner monologue.

Billy Matthews was discovered late in his middle school career when he got busy splashing pinpoint jumpers in Riley Freeman’s eye. It wasn’t a fluke, either. His shot is more advanced than any animated hooper I’ve ever seen.

However, Matthews is going to be more than just a microwave scorer to match what Kuroko brings to the floor. Kuroko’s basketball IQ is off the charts. Not only does he process information quicker than anyone else, but he’s lightning quick. Matthews and his crew can zone up against Kuroko’s “Vanishing Drive,” but lose track of him for a moment and you’ll find him swinging the rock to an open cutter. Matthews is going to have to calculate the parabolic arc on an abundance of triples if he’s going to outlast a member of the greatest group of young hoopers in Japan’s history. - DJ Dunson

Before becoming an entrepreneur, Khadija (All Chain) James was dominant on the Newark courts. She won an all-star MVP over Denise Hatcher — who suspiciously looks just like Basketball Hall of Famer Cheryl Miller. Their one-on-one rematch in their 20s did not go well, because Hatcher stayed in basketball by coaching and Khadija started her own magazine from scratch. But that game did warm her up for a later season one-on-one game against Grant Hill and actually she kept him from scoring at the rim. She clearly fouled him and sprained his knee, but she attempted to stay vertical, stuff happens — this was in 1995 it’s not her fault he had persistent health problems. Shep left the game and everyone he knew after one of the most bizarre tragic accidents took his best friends’ life. Seriously, Nutso went through the backboard, and why is the basket that close to the edge of a roof, a person could literally be fouled into oblivion. But Shep kept his game together all the years that he was away. He kept spreading his fingers and snapping his wrists and put together one of the most impressive performances ever seen on a screen. If he advances this point will be made again, the man barbecued his competition while wearing corduroys and a Henley. If I was Birdie, I would’ve been mad, too. - Stephen Knox

SPOILER ALERT: There’s no comparison as to who is the better basketball player between the two, and it’s not because NBC spent 45 cents on the basketball courts in the original Fresh Prince of Bel Air — look at these YMCA hoops they used on network television. This brand new Will Smith is catching alley oops with one hand and arrived in Bel Air as a Division I basketball recruit. In the original Fresh Prince, the audience doesn’t even know that Will can play basketball until the 11th episode of the first season. Also, the new Will — Jabari Banks — actually played college ball. Still, Bel-Air has only been on the air for a month. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is basically standard television viewing for human beings who have access to one — I remember my college Intro to Production professor asking a German student in our class about race and television in his country and his reply was, “ I don’t know, we watched the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.” There’s probably no better matchup in this bracket between actual basketball talent, and the impact of a true television legend. - Stephen Knox

This is a backcourt matchup with generation’s colliding. Both are clutch shooters, with Scott Howard leading the Beacontown High Beavers of small-town Nebraska to a championship. Bolton, in the dreaded position of playing for his father, renowned Albuquerque high-school coach Jack Bolton, drained the game-winning shot against East High’s rivals to win the city championship. Bolton and Howard have complicated off-court lives and both oddly enough use musical theater to woo love interests. Teen Wolf has his eyes (and claws?) on Pamela Wells, courting her away from rival Mick. He comes to his senses and eventually ends up with Boof in a decisive move. Bolton has to balance his love for the sport with his new-found passion for singing and dancing. Can’t say Troy’s head is completely in the game right? Especially after landing the lead role in East High’s spring musical alongside girlfriend Gabriella Montez? Bolton’s the bigger guard with a five-inch height advantage. In terms of skill, it’s not the start of something new. Howard clowns him, breaking free for the Easy W for Teen Wolf. WOLF! WOLF! WOLF! - Eric Blum

Cambridge and Tyler were the most supernaturally gifted athletes in film history. Both players lead our bracket in assisted buckets. Tyler’s late teammate and brother, Kenny assisted on buckets on at least 80 percent of the possessions in The 6th Man. In Like Mike, 100 percent of Calvin Cambridge’s buckets could be attributed to those Carolina blue Jordans.

Winning a national title at the University of Washington is impressive, but imagine what Cambridge could do with those sneakers at the collegiate level if he was clowning vets like Jason Kidd, T-Mac and David Robinson throughout his rookie season. In a one-on-one matchup, Cambridge would put Tyler and Kenny on a poster.

In a team context, Antoine Tyler is clearly superior. Cambridge was 4-foot-10, but averaged fewer than three assists the entire movie. By year two of his career, Skip Bayless would be deriding him as Can’t Pass Cambridge. Tyler is a certified winner who played through heartache. Cambridge’s sneakers couldn’t even hold up through half a season, but in a single-elimination matchup, I’ll take Cambridge. Don’t forget those were Jordan’s sneakers. Probably the same ones Johnny Kilroy wore. MJ ain’t going out in the first round. Cambridge ball hogs, but has the advantage while Kenny’s spirit will haunt our plane of existence with unfinished business if his bro loses. - DJ Dunson

Ray Allen did have another basketball role after his indelible performance as Jesus Shuttlesworth. The lead in this movie wasn’t Denzel Washington, but Sarah Michelle Gellar, who was a plenty big enough star in 2001 to get peoples’ attention. Unlike He Got Game, where Shuttlesworth is a co-star, Marcus Blake, played by Allen, is the star on Harvard’s basketball team but only a bit player in the movie. He’s just there to be great while Adrian Grenier’s character takes a bribe to throw a game. In He Got Game, Shuttlesworth navigates the morass known as basketball recruiting, and the person with his best interests at heart is his father, the person who accidentally murdered his mother while losing his temper. This probably speaks more to Washington’s acting, but the relationship is believable that he and Allen are father and son, and Allen shows well the ambivalent feelings he has toward the man who taught him this precious gift that will get him and his sister to the lifestyles of the rich and famous, but whose mistake left him and his sister with Uncle Bubba. If possible in real life second-year Ray Allen vs. fifth-year Ray Allen would be a sensational matchup, but in the world of cinema, a once-in-a-lifetime basketball recruit in a beloved basketball movie, vs. the star player at Harvard as an ancillary character to Grenier throwing games and tripping on LSD, I mean… - Stephen Knox