It’s too much to expect that you never argue with your lover, spouse, or partner in romantic crime. Here’s how you can make that argument more of a productive discussion than a constant stream of bickering.
First and foremost, understand that when you’re in a fight, especially with someone you care about, your mind isn’t operating from the most rational place. Therapist Stan Tatkin, author of the new book We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection and Enduring Love, shared some of his observations on common potholes fighting couples fall into with Time editor Belinda Luscombe.
Tatkin has literally filmed couples during an argument, then replayed the tapes like a sports analyst. In his research, he’s discovered we all make the same mistakes when we’re trying to win an argument—and then nobody wins.
Your Memories Are Wrong
It sounds like Dr. Tatkin is trying to gaslight all of us a little bit, here, but it’s true that our memories are frequently unreliable, especially when we’re upset.
“When people fight over memory, they’re both likely wrong in some way,” says Tatkin. “Because of this, it’s usually better to just end the fight and make up, rather than trying to figure out who is correct.”
Not to start a fight, but I think if something is consistently happening and one party denies it, this may not be the answer. The depth of a long-standing fight changes your approach. However, if you’re arguing over something small, it may be that you are both remembering it differently.
You’re Not Objective
One common fight couples have is where they more-or-less project an attitude or thought onto the other person. Assuming they meant something they didn’t say, or indicated an idea with their eyebrows. That’s not unreasonable, necessarily; when you know someone really well, you can sometimes communicate non-verbally. But when you’re in a fight, your readings are off because your brain isn’t working at it’s highest capacity. It literally can’t, because science:
There’s a network of structures that have to talk to each other in order to correct errors,” says Tatkin. “And there has to be enough time and energy for these error-correcting parts of the brain to do their job. When people are upset with each other, they’re moving too fast and they’re under-resourced, meaning that there’s literally not enough blood—oxygen and glucose—going to those areas of the brain.
So, trying to argue further about misconceptions during the fight will likely have bad results. Try to calm the situation down by offering love and understanding. When you’ve both cooled off, you can address what they think you were trying to say when you pursed your lips, or something.
You’re Not Being As Clear As Your Think
Many fights are a result of miscommunication. Much like your perception of someone can be affected by anger or stress, so can your perception of yourself. You think you’re communicating something extremely clearly, but that might not be true. The listener, who is also upset, may be making wild leaps or connections that aren’t there. What can you do?
“One way around this is to slow down. Check: ‘O.K., do you mean this? Is that what you’re trying to say when you use that word?’” says Tatkin. He says that relationship experts have a phrase called “be curious, not furious.” Perhaps easier said than done, but in general, Tatkin says couples don’t give each other the benefit of the doubt enough. Assume the best about your partner and see if you can reach a bit further towards understanding instead of assuming anything.
You’re Not Talking Face To Face
Too many people are fighting via text. If you thought miscommunication in person was a problem, hoo boy! Text is a disaster. If you’re going to fight, do it face-to-face.
We’re visual animals and while you’re talking, and I’m looking at your eyes and your mouth—which is something we naturally do—I can make many of those corrections” of the misunderstandings that are arising, he says.
If you get better at resolving conflict, it would be fine to text about whose turn it is to pick up toilet paper eventually. But for bigger fights or a longstanding one, being in the same room and looking at each other is best.
You’re Not Working Together
All of these tips require emotional maturity and compassion for your partner, things which may be missing if you are fighting all the time. But if you feel you’re doing all the right stuff and still not coming to an accord, it may be because you’re looking at the goal of your fights the wrong way. Tatkin draws a distinction between compromise and collaboration.
Instead of each trying to get some of what you want, as you would in a compromise, you should see yourselves as building towards an even better idea than what you both have. That begins with acknowledging what you like about what the other person wants instead of just focusing on what’s in the middle.
“If people see each other as having a mutual stake in the outcome, and that they’re respecting that, and they are giving each other their due, and that they are working towards a win-win, which means not compromise but creativity, bargaining,” says Tatkin, “Then they can move the ball forward enough for the next thing, and can take this thing off the table quickly and go have lunch.”
Relationships can be a lot of work, but reducing the number of fights you have and the amount of miscommunication in them will take some of that work off the table. Which means more room for that lunch.